It’s Not You, It’s them… Until…

When Maya Angelou first said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them,” she was not lying!  I swear on everything golden when a person tells you and shows you their character, DO NOT IGNORE THEM!!  We always worry about getting caught in game or catching feelings for someone that is no good for us, but if you don’t take heed to these words, you have a good chance of losing that battle.  I know this for a fact because I’m currently in the process of battling regret over letting someone who did not deserve to get that close to me get THAT close.  That saying, “It’s not you, it’s me” is also true… until you let them get away with treating you less than how you deserve to be treated.  How do you know when that’s happening you say?  I’m glad you asked!  When you find yourself letting someone cross your boundary and make you feel uncomfortable about treating you a certain way, it’s you.  If you have sex with someone you like and you KNOW the feeling is not mutual, it’s you.  If you knowingly let a person TELL you what they want from you and you still continue to pursue more, it’s you.  It’s been me.  And it absolutely suxx when it’s me.

The point is, it doesn’t have to be you.  Every person is born with a personality and between nature and nurture people develop a way of treating people.  So when you first interact with a person, you may or may not be dealing with their actual selves, but in time you will have no choice but to see them for who they are.  Once that happens, you can then choose to decide if this person is worthy of a relationship (however it develops) with you.  I always try to offer my authentic self when I meet people because I don’t believe in lying.  That’s not to say that I reveal everything in the first meeting because I have a broad range of personality and I’m not always sure what people can handle.  I tend to let their personality guide me so I have a good feel of what we are capable of sharing.  This may be me trying to gain some control or perspective of the situation, but so what.  I deserve to know what I am dealing with.  I’ve learned that over time, I’m pretty good about gauging people’s energy and can identify if they are someone I am willing to let in my life.  With this, I am empowered to know that if I willingly let someone into my space, I have to accept my responsibility in the relationship.  Where I get stupid, though, is when my instincts tell me to kick it in high gear and bounce… and I go nowhere.  Red flags are not hard to identify even if you are not paying attention.  It’s those dang cautionary amber flags that can make you take pause and excuse a situation.  Red flags make you realize that you absolutely do not deserve such treatment.  When you’ve come across them, duh, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.  When you come across an amber flag, however, you may slow down and become cautious… but don’t pass go until you are sure you are clear on how to proceed.

My whole thought is this: it takes two to tango.  Typically, during the question and answer, or “getting to know you” portion of the relationship, you have to make sure you are gaining the right information to identify how the person fits into your big picture.  If they don’t, then fine, let them go… no hard feelings.  If they do or can fit in, cool, but make sure you take your time to figure out how.  Don’t listen to just what you want to hear, but also what they want you to know and what they are ACTUALLY saying.  If their actions don’t align with what they are telling you, or their vibe is putting you on guard, don’t proceed until you are sure of the message they are putting across.  Don’t get hemmed up over the superficial stuff that won’t actually matter in the long run anyway.  Passing go through a yellow flag without clearing up the concerns tells the person to feel free to treat you how they choose to.  You are worth far more than that.  Put up that stop sign and chill  until they are clear on how best to treat you.  You deserve nothing less.

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